“Listen, with the eyes of the heart”
Carol Gabriella Norbeck
In my soon to be published book, Joyful Leadership, I share tools on how-to develop strong relationships with your followers through coaching, providing feedback and resolving conflict. In each of these chapters, I encourage leaders to check their mindset before starting those relational conversations. The mindset in which you enter a conversation sets the tone and foundation for what follows.
Coaching Mindset
Some of the key elements of the mindset of a coach are:
Staying coachee-focused
What’s in their best interest?
How might I serve them in their journey?
Where could they be great? Where do they need to move from good to great?
Mutual trust
Where do they need support? Where do they need to be challenged?
Can we firmly rely on each other?
Can we speak the truth in love?
Discover approach – Am I willing to:
Explore (vs. explain)
Listen (vs. lecture)
Ask (vs. answer)
Pull (vs. push)
Feedback mindset
The purpose of feedback is to help people reflect on what just happened – what went well and what didn’t – and then consider what they will do next, so that they can continue to grow and learn. Marshall Goldsmith calls this feedforward. We all want to give feedback so that it is heard, understood, accepted, and changes behavior. As I researched the criteria for helpful feedback, I found many of the same tips repeated: be timely, give a specific example, create a SMART plan of action, and follow up. These tips are all good, but from my point of view, the critical key to successful feedback is: has the person giving the feedback examined his or her intentions? Perhaps a comparison would be helpful here:
FeedFORWARD
Focus on the future
Exploring, discovering, growing
Receiver focused
Opportunity to strengthen the relationship
FeedBACK
Focus on the past
Knowing, telling, correction
Giver focused
Careful not to harm the relationship
Conflict resolution Mindset
Consider the mindset difference between being a peacekeeper and a peacemaker. A peacemaker approaches the conversation with the intentions of care and humility instead of pride and self-righteousness. A peacemaker listens and understands the other first, and then builds a bridge to resolution. A peacemaker strives to create a win-win solution with buy-in! A peacemaker is mindful that his or her behavior in conflict takes courage of your convictions. Joyful leaders, even in the midst of an argument, let their values guide them through the conflict, so that on the other side, their integrity will be intact. Our actions, particularly during a heart-wrenching conflict, demonstrate the values we use to guide our lives.
Returning to The quote
Perhaps instead of mindset, I should have called it your heartset. A Joyful Leader is best recognized through acts that grow out of a heart filled with care and concern for the other person. A heart that truly ‘sees’ the other person and creates a trustful space for relationship building conversations.