I find the trickiest part of a feedback session is how to open it. Let’s face it; people can get defensive when we say, “Could I give you some feedback?” You want to start the conversation such that defenses stay low and buy-in to change stays high. Here’s a few best practices:
• Keep it short – don’t go on and on describing the situation and its impact. They were there! They know what happened! And if you keep rambling on they are just going to get more nervous or more angry, and certainly more defensive. Really, you just need about 30 – 60 seconds to open up the conversation.
• Give a specific example – People need an example to ensure we are talking about the same thing. They don’t need a laundry list of examples. That makes them defensive. Just one concrete example. I like the SBI approach from the Center of Creative Leadership. Somewhere in your opening you briefly describe the Situation, their Behavior and the Impact on performance. Again, a short description.
I liken this approach to taking a band aid off a child. It’s best to just rip it off. Don’t gingerly peel. Sure, it might sting a little, but the real work of FeedForward, is figuring out what is going to be different in the future.
• FeedForward to Next Time – in your opening create a supportive, future looking atmosphere. You are here to help figure out what can be done to make tomorrow, more effective than today. Create a let’s get this thing figured out attitude. Help them see this as a growth opportunity and a win-win.
• Turn the conversation over to them – get them talking. Defenses go down when people get to talk. As for you, get really curious about their point of view and why they think it is happening. It is a great sign of support to deeply listen and understand another person’s perspective
• And one big don’t – never label their behavior. Don’t be calling people sloppy, lazy, unprofessional. Labels hurt. People take them to heart and it’s a withdrawal from the relational bank account that is hard to replenish. Just describe the behavior. Don’t label it! If you want to learn more about the harm of labeling and name calling, read Dr. John Gottman’s book – Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. You’ll never call your spouse lazy again, unless you really want to get divorced.
Opening Template:
Joe, today I’d like to discuss what’s happening with customer xyz. I have some concerns that we may lose the account, so I’d like to figure out what we can do to improve our relationship with the customer. So, tell, me Joe, from your perspective, what’s been going on?